satori
I'm 27 years old, so it's not surprising that I'm still confused about a number of things. Con-fused, a lot of different notions of mine are con-fused.
Self-worth is really difficult for me to evaluate. I always have the 'should' imperative in the back of my mind. I 'should' be doing more with my time, I should clean the house better, I 'should' make more money, I 'should' be thinner, I 'should' be nicer. I find it so difficult to reach that space in my head where I am free of this imperative.
I think that's why I smoke grass, because it helps me to let go all the obligations that I feel towards the rest of the world, and even towards myself. But then I am largely ineffective.
I feel stuck at the moment. I want to go forward, but I also want to stand still. I want to grow in my spiritual practice, but I also want the instant highs of playing with maya. I love to sit zazen, but to get my ass on a cushion is almost impossible. It's like I am working against my self. This is what's so confusing. How can I want one thing, and do something else? Who is this that wants and doesn't want and con-fuses?
I need to sit. I need to sit and sit and sit until I am completely quite, and then the bubble pops and there is no 'I'. Then 'I' am everything, EVERYTHING.
Until I think a thought, the one where I comment to myself how cool it is to be feeling something so incredible. Then the mind is back in action and I'm holding a conversation with myself and I am me again.
The first time I experienced 'satori' or 'awakening' I just cried and cried and cried. I was in a small zendo, and there were only a handful of us sitting.
Since then it' s almost like I'm avoiding sitting.
What am I afraid of?
I think I'm afraid of never experiencing satori again, and having to accept that it was all just a bad joke.
That's how I feel about Christianity. I am still so sore about the way Christianity turned out to not have the answers for me. I put so much of myself into loving God and being good. I think I'm afraid to move forward with my zazen practice, cos I'm afraid of feeling spiritually established again. But on the other hand, beginners' mind is good. The 'I don't know what i thought I knew' mind is open to growth and expansion.
I don't know!
Self-worth is really difficult for me to evaluate. I always have the 'should' imperative in the back of my mind. I 'should' be doing more with my time, I should clean the house better, I 'should' make more money, I 'should' be thinner, I 'should' be nicer. I find it so difficult to reach that space in my head where I am free of this imperative.
I think that's why I smoke grass, because it helps me to let go all the obligations that I feel towards the rest of the world, and even towards myself. But then I am largely ineffective.
I feel stuck at the moment. I want to go forward, but I also want to stand still. I want to grow in my spiritual practice, but I also want the instant highs of playing with maya. I love to sit zazen, but to get my ass on a cushion is almost impossible. It's like I am working against my self. This is what's so confusing. How can I want one thing, and do something else? Who is this that wants and doesn't want and con-fuses?
I need to sit. I need to sit and sit and sit until I am completely quite, and then the bubble pops and there is no 'I'. Then 'I' am everything, EVERYTHING.
Until I think a thought, the one where I comment to myself how cool it is to be feeling something so incredible. Then the mind is back in action and I'm holding a conversation with myself and I am me again.
The first time I experienced 'satori' or 'awakening' I just cried and cried and cried. I was in a small zendo, and there were only a handful of us sitting.
Since then it' s almost like I'm avoiding sitting.
What am I afraid of?
I think I'm afraid of never experiencing satori again, and having to accept that it was all just a bad joke.
That's how I feel about Christianity. I am still so sore about the way Christianity turned out to not have the answers for me. I put so much of myself into loving God and being good. I think I'm afraid to move forward with my zazen practice, cos I'm afraid of feeling spiritually established again. But on the other hand, beginners' mind is good. The 'I don't know what i thought I knew' mind is open to growth and expansion.
I don't know!
posted by Gaelin at 8:18 AM
14 Comments:
"That's how I feel about Christianity. I am still so sore about the way Christianity turned out to not have the answers for me. I put so much of myself into loving God and being good..."
What answers are you looking for?
Hi James. I left the church when I began to percieve energy fields. At that time I had not yet used any drugs or mind altering substances.
My youth pastor took me aside and told me to stop speaking to the other kids about what I could feel, and to ask God to deliver me from my delusions. !!?!
Christianity doesn't encourage questions. I have an IQ of almost 180, which is far above average, and I need to understand. I was told my questions were proving my lack of faith. Faith doesn't cut it for me when there are obvious discrepencies in what's being taught vs. what is being practiced.
I realize by putting my thoughts onto the world wide web, I am opening myself to the opinions and beliefs of others, and I welcome all feedback, but I am definately not looking for the kind of answers that religion offers.
I'm sorry that others have discouraged you. Again, you said you were looking for answers. What answers, specifically, are you looking for?
The answers to life, the universe, and everything :)
Is there any difference between faith and religion? I think so, but what do you think? For me, religion is the skeleton; faith is the meat.
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I think you're right Steve, faith and religion are different parts of the same body. The body in this case being a mental/spiritual concept that defines our worldview.
I am trying to let go all mental/spiritual concepts. In that case faith and religion both fade into the void from whence they arose. By doing this my worldview remains pefectly mutable, and I can then act with a perfect mind, free of all distractions and opinions.
That's the theory anyway. In practice my mind is lazy and loves to tell stories :)
But I know from experience that it is possible, so I'm am happy with the path I've chosen.
ps.I don't mean to show any disrespect to anyone who chooses faith over enlightenment. Each to his own :)
Faith and enlightenment are not mutually exclusive. Regarding the answers you are looking for, you said:
"The answers to life, the universe, and everything :)".
Let me ask you a question, Gaelin, what if the answers, or the answer, is something that doesn't fit within your worldview? What if it doesn't make you happy? Would you be willing to accept it?
I'm striving for my worldview to be infinitely mutable. I would therefore be at peace with anything that "doesn't fit". Happiness and unhappiness are two sides to the same coin. Let them both go, and you are free.
I think we all need to be humble before reality - reality itself, not reality as we fancy it.
faith and religion both fade into the void from whence they arose
You have faith that this will occur? There's a difference between faith in terms of informed confidence and faith in terms of blind belief.
Thanks for your comment about humility Justin. I must admit that in some conversations it becomes more about attachment to outcomes than enlightenment. I must put my own intellectual pride down in some cases.
When you ask about faith you mention 'informed confidence' - would you be meaning first-hand experience, or information from someone who you trust? I haven't met many teachers whom I trust, so all I have to go on is first-hand experience, (and writings from other people who practice). But in the end it comes down to experience. There is a space in my mind where all conceptual constructs disappear. That's why I sit.
I wish I could put more of my own intellectual pride down.
The concept of faith in Buddhism is something I've struggled with a bit myself. While there are Buddhists who base their practice on faith alone, Zen tends to be about individual practice and experience. But as with all things you can draw on the experience of others you trust, so I think its a bit of both.
Intellect can become a trap it's true. You might be interested in what Susan Blackmore has to say in 'The Meme Machine' about Zazen as a meme-free zone and an antidote to memes.
so tell me how you feel about braking familys for self forfilment? Nick
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