after vipassana
The vipassana meditation technique: a ten day course
The first day is begun in noble silence; no speech, no eye contact, no touching. I arrive at the course the day before, for registration. We are assigned to small, shared cabins situated within walking distance from a meditation hall where we gather to practice for hours each day. The initial practice is to sit in a comfortable position (usually on a pillow with crossed legs) and close your eyes. Breathe through the nose and be aware of each breath. Be aware of the breath coming in and going out, note which nostril it passes through; left, right, or both simultaneously. When the mind wonders, gently bring it back to the concentrated awareness of the breath. Don't regulate the breath, just observe the natural breathing pattern.
I practice zazen (another form of Buddhist meditation) so I expected the vipassana technique to be relativly easy to master. Both forms of meditation are founded in the dharma, both teach enlightenment. But zazen is open-eyes meditation, and vipassana is closed-eyes. The rationale is that having open eyes can be distracting to the meditator, but I passed the visual hurdle ages ago in my practice. With my eyes closed, on the other hand, I resort to agitated monkey mind. The inside of my head is infinitely distracting. I spent the day concentrating hard to focus on the natural breath (turns out I'm a control freak when it comes to breathing - as soon as I am aware of my breath I begin regulating it.) The technique calls for one to focus on the natural breath, the breath the body breathes without conscious intent. That way we become slowly aware of the subtler sensations, and we begin to fine tune our perceptions.
On the second day the practice deepens a little. The next technique taught is to be aware of the touch of the breath, in the triangular space between your upper lip and the bridge of your nose, and the inner and outer walls of the nostrils. I spent that day patiently focusing my awareness of the feeling of the air as it passed into each nostril, and the feeling of it being exhaled again. I was particularly distracted by my posture and my aching limbs. Sitting on a pillow for many, many hours has it's toll on the body. I was shifting positions constantly but still diligently trying to maintain the focus on feeling the touch of the breath.
Third day: the practice is to be aware of any sensation at all which occurs in the triangular space between your upper lip and the bridge of your nose, and on the inner/outer walls of the nostrils. The subtler the sensation the better. Itches, tickles, throbbing, moisture, heat, cold, numbness...any sensation at all, but only in the little area around and inside the nose. This way mind is focusing on ever subtler perceptions, being fine tuned to a point of high sensitivity. We still maintain noble silence. All other sensation from the rest of the body must be ignored.
Day four, we finally get to the nitty gritty of vipassana. Up until then we had been practising anapana, which is the fore-runner for the full vipassana technique. But of course I wasn't there to learn it, having left sobbing on day three. More of that later, back to the technique. (I looked up the next step on the internet when I got home, and then carried on the meditation sessions in my study.) After three days of intense, continual focus on ever subtler sensation, living and eating in silence, my senses are heightnened, despite the emotional trip home from the meditation center. The technique is now to be aware of the body, starting from one tip and traveling to the other, and then back again. The same high awareness that has been generated in the nasal area now travels slowly through the body, and while practising this I felt the sensations of the internal organs - very strange. The awareness seemed to travel in a ball, about the size of the area of the initial triangle of awareness. I think its called body scanning.
So that's the practical aspect of the meditation, all fine and dandy. What wasn't so dandy at all was the emotional aspect. During my zen practise I often find that emotional issues rise to the surface of my consciousness. As the mind quietens, so the inner thoughts and feelings become easier to percieve. But I have never sat for that long before, and I was completely unprepared for the emotional breakthroughs. Due to my marijuana use, psychedelic explorations, and daily zazen practice, I am already particularly sensitive. So sitting in such a pristine and encouraging environment, for such long periods of time, was a highly potent recipe for major emotional upheaval.
By the end of the first day I had realized that I'd never really processed my parents divorce. The little six year old who watched her family disintegrate is suddenly right there. I cry quietly on the way to the the dormitory, disturbing the other meditators is taboo at a meditation retreat. I carry on the meditation practice and I gain emotional equilibrium again, the going becomes easier for a while.
The second day I spent physically uncomfortable, and also a little bored with all the nose focus. My mind raced through plans and aspirations, and I stated clearly to myself all the things I want to achieve, imagining them vividly over the hours I sat. I still followed my breath, trying to focus on the touch of the air, but as my mind wondered I let it, not feeling too guilty if 5 or ten minutes slipped by in happy constructive planning.
On the third day, as I lay in my cabin, flat on my back and breathing deeply, the pain I still carry from my abortion hit me like a mental sledgehammer. This is an issue that I know I haven't processed properly, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. I think it was the intensity of the emotion which threw me completely off balance.
I had spent 3 days in almost solitude, without any recourse to my usual processing tools (talking, writing, making art, making music). I desperately wanted to be home, with people who loved me, I didn't want to experience all these emotions alone. On the afternoon of the third day I requested a private interview with the teacher, and in tears I told him that I wanted to leave. He was adamant that I 'weather out the emotional storm' at the retreat centre. He advised me that if I could just keep bringing my awareness back to the breath, I would pass through this bout of emotional discomfort and so transcend it. Well, he was right, I did pass through the storm, but I sure as hell didn't do it there. I know how much I am willing and able to process at a time, and I have no masochistic desire to push myself past breaking point. I think the teacher considered me weak minded, unable to push through to the other side. This doesn't bother me as much as it would have in the past. I'm no longer all that swayed by other people's opinion of me. I know my own mind and I knew that the time had come for me to stop the meditation practice, and go home.
I left despite much protestation, and the relief was astronomical. Don't get me wrong, the technique is amazing. It works. "If you patiently and diligently practice you are bound to succeed" - that's one of the phrases quoted often by the teacher, and it's true. But quite honestly, I'm not ready for too many fireworks at once, and i'd rather push further in a safe and loving space, at my own pace.
I'm still practicing, in fact my practice has tripled since I've been back (it's only be a day, but hey, maybe it will last :) I'm alternating between zazen and what I have learnt of vipassana.
I've also uncovered a hotbed of controversy surrounding the SN Goenka Vipassana Course, which is the one I attended. Mr. SN Goenka is a world leading vipassana teacher, and he runs meditation retreats all over the world to teach the technique. All very well, but it seems a lot of people have a problem with his particular approach. if you're interested in reading more see this article. Very interesting observations about the apparent dangers of the retreat as structured by Goenka. Also in all his years of teaching, he has never fully initiated a student, and hence he is the only qualified teacher of his particular approach. All the retreats all over the world are taught using video footage and audio tapes of his teachings, and facilitated by his assistants, who are not quailfied to discuss the darmha. This proves to be a big problem, often an assistant teacher is out of his depth.
Anyway, all said and done I am pleased I went. I like what I learnt of this new technique, and I loved the taste of the fruits of hard practice.
Slowly does it, gently, carefully, with much awareness.
Bhavatu sabba mangalam (may all beings everywhere be happy and at peace)
The first day is begun in noble silence; no speech, no eye contact, no touching. I arrive at the course the day before, for registration. We are assigned to small, shared cabins situated within walking distance from a meditation hall where we gather to practice for hours each day. The initial practice is to sit in a comfortable position (usually on a pillow with crossed legs) and close your eyes. Breathe through the nose and be aware of each breath. Be aware of the breath coming in and going out, note which nostril it passes through; left, right, or both simultaneously. When the mind wonders, gently bring it back to the concentrated awareness of the breath. Don't regulate the breath, just observe the natural breathing pattern.
I practice zazen (another form of Buddhist meditation) so I expected the vipassana technique to be relativly easy to master. Both forms of meditation are founded in the dharma, both teach enlightenment. But zazen is open-eyes meditation, and vipassana is closed-eyes. The rationale is that having open eyes can be distracting to the meditator, but I passed the visual hurdle ages ago in my practice. With my eyes closed, on the other hand, I resort to agitated monkey mind. The inside of my head is infinitely distracting. I spent the day concentrating hard to focus on the natural breath (turns out I'm a control freak when it comes to breathing - as soon as I am aware of my breath I begin regulating it.) The technique calls for one to focus on the natural breath, the breath the body breathes without conscious intent. That way we become slowly aware of the subtler sensations, and we begin to fine tune our perceptions.
On the second day the practice deepens a little. The next technique taught is to be aware of the touch of the breath, in the triangular space between your upper lip and the bridge of your nose, and the inner and outer walls of the nostrils. I spent that day patiently focusing my awareness of the feeling of the air as it passed into each nostril, and the feeling of it being exhaled again. I was particularly distracted by my posture and my aching limbs. Sitting on a pillow for many, many hours has it's toll on the body. I was shifting positions constantly but still diligently trying to maintain the focus on feeling the touch of the breath.
Third day: the practice is to be aware of any sensation at all which occurs in the triangular space between your upper lip and the bridge of your nose, and on the inner/outer walls of the nostrils. The subtler the sensation the better. Itches, tickles, throbbing, moisture, heat, cold, numbness...any sensation at all, but only in the little area around and inside the nose. This way mind is focusing on ever subtler perceptions, being fine tuned to a point of high sensitivity. We still maintain noble silence. All other sensation from the rest of the body must be ignored.
Day four, we finally get to the nitty gritty of vipassana. Up until then we had been practising anapana, which is the fore-runner for the full vipassana technique. But of course I wasn't there to learn it, having left sobbing on day three. More of that later, back to the technique. (I looked up the next step on the internet when I got home, and then carried on the meditation sessions in my study.) After three days of intense, continual focus on ever subtler sensation, living and eating in silence, my senses are heightnened, despite the emotional trip home from the meditation center. The technique is now to be aware of the body, starting from one tip and traveling to the other, and then back again. The same high awareness that has been generated in the nasal area now travels slowly through the body, and while practising this I felt the sensations of the internal organs - very strange. The awareness seemed to travel in a ball, about the size of the area of the initial triangle of awareness. I think its called body scanning.
So that's the practical aspect of the meditation, all fine and dandy. What wasn't so dandy at all was the emotional aspect. During my zen practise I often find that emotional issues rise to the surface of my consciousness. As the mind quietens, so the inner thoughts and feelings become easier to percieve. But I have never sat for that long before, and I was completely unprepared for the emotional breakthroughs. Due to my marijuana use, psychedelic explorations, and daily zazen practice, I am already particularly sensitive. So sitting in such a pristine and encouraging environment, for such long periods of time, was a highly potent recipe for major emotional upheaval.
By the end of the first day I had realized that I'd never really processed my parents divorce. The little six year old who watched her family disintegrate is suddenly right there. I cry quietly on the way to the the dormitory, disturbing the other meditators is taboo at a meditation retreat. I carry on the meditation practice and I gain emotional equilibrium again, the going becomes easier for a while.
The second day I spent physically uncomfortable, and also a little bored with all the nose focus. My mind raced through plans and aspirations, and I stated clearly to myself all the things I want to achieve, imagining them vividly over the hours I sat. I still followed my breath, trying to focus on the touch of the air, but as my mind wondered I let it, not feeling too guilty if 5 or ten minutes slipped by in happy constructive planning.
On the third day, as I lay in my cabin, flat on my back and breathing deeply, the pain I still carry from my abortion hit me like a mental sledgehammer. This is an issue that I know I haven't processed properly, so it shouldn't have come as a surprise. I think it was the intensity of the emotion which threw me completely off balance.
I had spent 3 days in almost solitude, without any recourse to my usual processing tools (talking, writing, making art, making music). I desperately wanted to be home, with people who loved me, I didn't want to experience all these emotions alone. On the afternoon of the third day I requested a private interview with the teacher, and in tears I told him that I wanted to leave. He was adamant that I 'weather out the emotional storm' at the retreat centre. He advised me that if I could just keep bringing my awareness back to the breath, I would pass through this bout of emotional discomfort and so transcend it. Well, he was right, I did pass through the storm, but I sure as hell didn't do it there. I know how much I am willing and able to process at a time, and I have no masochistic desire to push myself past breaking point. I think the teacher considered me weak minded, unable to push through to the other side. This doesn't bother me as much as it would have in the past. I'm no longer all that swayed by other people's opinion of me. I know my own mind and I knew that the time had come for me to stop the meditation practice, and go home.
I left despite much protestation, and the relief was astronomical. Don't get me wrong, the technique is amazing. It works. "If you patiently and diligently practice you are bound to succeed" - that's one of the phrases quoted often by the teacher, and it's true. But quite honestly, I'm not ready for too many fireworks at once, and i'd rather push further in a safe and loving space, at my own pace.
I'm still practicing, in fact my practice has tripled since I've been back (it's only be a day, but hey, maybe it will last :) I'm alternating between zazen and what I have learnt of vipassana.
I've also uncovered a hotbed of controversy surrounding the SN Goenka Vipassana Course, which is the one I attended. Mr. SN Goenka is a world leading vipassana teacher, and he runs meditation retreats all over the world to teach the technique. All very well, but it seems a lot of people have a problem with his particular approach. if you're interested in reading more see this article. Very interesting observations about the apparent dangers of the retreat as structured by Goenka. Also in all his years of teaching, he has never fully initiated a student, and hence he is the only qualified teacher of his particular approach. All the retreats all over the world are taught using video footage and audio tapes of his teachings, and facilitated by his assistants, who are not quailfied to discuss the darmha. This proves to be a big problem, often an assistant teacher is out of his depth.
Anyway, all said and done I am pleased I went. I like what I learnt of this new technique, and I loved the taste of the fruits of hard practice.
Slowly does it, gently, carefully, with much awareness.
Bhavatu sabba mangalam (may all beings everywhere be happy and at peace)
posted by Gaelin at 9:39 AM
10 Comments:
Very interesting, gaelin. I have been really busy lately...but I want to ask you several questions about this...(and, btw, I downloaded your Rilke.mp3...but I still need to listen to it...I really want to)!
As soon as I can...I want to ask you some questions, okay?
Looking forward to it, I love a good discussion :)
gaelin,
This might sound cryptic at best.
But what was the goal of this exercise? What does doing this, do to your actual desires?
'To observe, but not regulate,' why?
Why the suspension?
Doesn't the feeling of "stuckness," and the acute awareness of this suspension, only heighten your desires? First, you think of impossible wholeness, then you think of 'lost objects.' Desire, then, is actually felt even more acutely.
'To observe, but not regulate,' why?
Why the suspension?
- The theory behind this is that the breath is the bridge to the subconscious. We regulate our body subconsciously, our heart beats and our kidneys process ect, and we have no conscious control of these processes. Then we have the conscious actions and decisions etc. Breath falls into both catagaries, it is a subconscious function that can be consciously worked with. When you observe the breath without regulating it, you are observing the subconscious body functioning. This allows easier access to the contents of the deep subconscious mind.
"Doesn't the feeling of "stuckness," and the acute awareness of this ...
Not quite sure what you mean by 'stuckness'. If you mean the feeling of being in the body, I kinda like that. Most of the time I like being human :)
... awareness this suspension, only heighten your desires?"
Yes, my desires are heightened. But the practice is to recognise the desire without reacting to it. This way the mind is slowly tamed. Compulsion is desire run rampant in an unpracticed mind. Desire in a practiced mind can rise and fall without agitation.
(BTW, for every desire there's also an aversion, those crop up all over the place, and are just as agitating.)
First, you think of impossible wholeness...
Impossible? Difficult-yes, if the mind is agitated. But if it were impossible then what of the testimony of all the saints? All mystics through the ages have partaken of the wholeness of creation, the divine mind where everything is one. I know the New Age types have taken this concept and run with it, to the point of irrationality, but deep down we all know the space where we identify with God. That space is there underneath all the thoughts and feelings which fill our mind from dawn to dusk. We've just got to be quiet enough to recognize it ;)
I know you study philospohy, but you've never spoken much about your spiritual practice. What is your take on these things?
I am still trying to discover what I think I am going to believe. That sounds like a complete cop-out, I know.
My background is Christianity. And I think I understand why I believe Christianity... where others I know do it to follow others... I find a solace in it that has been a vital force in allowing me to simply be myself. The concept of grace, as I understand it, helps me immensely.
I don't really like discussing my faith...because it is based for the most part in my own pragmatism...but most people aren't open-minded about religion. I don't attend a church... I just know what I believe... and I know why it works for me.
One time, I wrote you a response in an email that I was going to send to you...to let you know where I was coming from...but after reading it...I thought it sounded better to me than it would have sounded to you...so I got rid of it.
Anyway, I am mostly interested in understanding what works for other people, and why it works for them. Is there something that can help me in any way?
But you are right: I do read lots of philosophy, that is true; and I have been reading "The Parallax View" by Slavoj Zizek now for weeks...and I have only finished chapter two!
One point Zizek makes, emphatically, is that there is a difference between a desire and a drive.
A desire is a lack...a drive is a hole. These are two things are different he says. I just wanted to ascertain what it was that you were focusing on gaelin...desires or drives...or both...and which got you so upset that you cried. I think it was desire. And if that is true, then did this new learning help you to deal with your desires better...or did this ascerbate things?
"Stuckness" to me, means 'not moving.'
I think, next week, I am going to write something about 'desire vs drive' on my blog...I am just formulating things at this stage.
How can you ever truly 'observe, and not regulate'? As soon as you notice a difference, how could be sure that this difference you noticed was not on account of noticing a difference? Especially if you are told to focus your mind on any differences?
It is like moving your hands across an Ouija board to spell things in your subconscious without feeling yourself moving it. And yet, if close your eyes...your hands will also stop moving. Well, you can't stop breathing no...but what can you do to your breathing, without knowing it, just because you are focused on it? Even the 'laws of physics' say that I can come up with 2 different, but correct, measurements for a given distance, because of where I stand in relation to it. So, how do we know that what I observe, isn't there, because I observe it. If I am active in doing something, and yet, telling myself that I am not doing anything - by observing - then that, is like, to me, is a form of mental masterbation. I am just not "telling" or admitting to myself that I am the one that is doing it...I am simply playing along.
I guess, in that respect, desire is "empty."
Thanks for your honesty, its refreshing. You're touching on some deep questions here, ones that probably can't be answered through rational discourse.
Take grace for instance, how do you argue that rationally? It's just something that you KNOW.
It's the same with zen practice. Once you get past all the mental gymnastics, all the self identity questions and games, you reach a place where you just KNOW that the substrate of the universe is One, and that you are part of that wholeness. Some people call this God. Or grace, or satori..., depends on which culture you ascribe to.
The part of the vipassana retreat that made me cry was when I accessed all the pent up emotion that I didn't even know I had! That's why I've concluded that the technique is effective, it allowed me to see myself more clearly.
You know, I have much respect for anyone who takes their spiritual practice seriously, be it Christianity or any of the others. And by seriously I don't mean 'going to church' or any of the other religious observances. I mean what you and are doing - exploring the nature of self and reality.
So, hats off to you for asking the big questions, and for having the faith to admit to not having the answers! (just think, if we knew it all there'd be nothing left to learn, how boring would that be!)
:+) thanks, hon!
This weekend, I am going camping...I am going to be away from the internet...and I will have time to think about things. Monday, in the US, it is the Memorial Day holiday. So, I don't have to work that day either. Talk to you next week! Have a great weekend!
. . . but you left after three days
Yes interesting to read about what you say about the Goenka centres - I think - having spent a long time sitting (including two 45 day courses ) and serving with them in the past and then moved on - that there is a lot of goodness and great intention there and there is without a doubt some very cultish behaviour. They wont listen to anyone who expresses any doubts (being silenced and not heard or being made wrong if one has any doubts is not a particularly wise way of dealing with something which naturally comes up) and having recently accommodated two very lovely old Goenka teachers - who are very committed to the centres and give an enormous amount of their time freely, I felt sad that when I said just a small bit about my practise (the teacher of which is a Burmese arahat) - it was immediately dismissed as not being the middle path - there was absolutely zero interest in asking me anything else about my practise.... but total immersion in what they do at the centres....
I felt sad and it felt disrespectful and also ignorant - as the teacher is an arahat!!!
That said I also realise that my feelings around this - which also bought back memories of the past - at my time at the Goenka centres- is only my responsibility and nothing to do with the common way in which beliefs are held by the 'hierarchy' there....
I am forever grateful that I accessed the work of Byron Katie and anything uncomfortable that I may feel in that regard, I can question my beliefs on it and gain clarity - whatever they do is their business not mine.....
The Goenka centres have so much that is beautiful and I am really glad I am no longer there. I wish them well and will do the Byron Katie work on the bits which caused me to suffer ......
yes just saw the post above and totally agree that mindfulness in every moment is needed - very very difficult to do in lay life - and mindfulness alone is not enough - to get to the point of the Buddha's teachings, one has to realise the emptiness of all phenomena - mindfulness is a necessary tool but in and of itself is not enough .....a really brilliant book is Rob Burbea's 'The Seeing that Frees ...Teachings on Emptiness and dependent origination' .....it's a practise book ....
May we all find the way which suits us and be free from the egoic need to condemn and criticise others practise - either subtley or overtly...
Post a Comment
<< Home