bang

It's been two years now since my head popped. Nothing up until that moment had prepared me for it.

I was sitting, staring at a wall. It was late afternoon, and it was near the end of our meditation session at the local zendo. 10 minutes chanting, 20 minutes sitting, 5 minutes walking, another 20 minutes sitting and then...

my mind had been in turmoil during the time I had been there. I breathed deeply, counting each breath to remain focused while the flow of thoughts swirled. Eventually I reached a point where I was no longer aware of my body, having plugged into that wonderful zen space where outside conditions begin to lack their validity. The inside of my head felt huge, the thoughts taking up all the space, and stretching the limits. It almost felt like my head was a balloon expanding under the pressure.

I kept breathing, breathing, riding with the feeling, allowing the thoughts to stretch wider and wider until...POP! The boundaries of my mental space winked out of existance. All of a sudden there was absolutely no distinction between outside and inside, it was all one seemless whole. Tears started pouring down my cheeks as I sat keeping my breath steady, literally blown away by the awesome nature of reality. There was no 'me' and there was no other. It was all suchness and it was experiential suchness, not some conceptual construct.

Since then that mental space has never quite abated. Even in the thrall of a heated argument there is a part of me which experiences the suchness and observes without attachment. This has been a great blessing in attaining emotional equilibrium, yet it also complicated things somewhat. Up until that moment I had been a Christian practising Zazen. After my head popped there was no one left to pray to! There was no outside presence to appeal to for help! And no inside 'me' to do the appealing!

I came to realized with a great deal of shock to the system that I was essentially responsable for my being. The implications were vast.

x

brain

This is a canvas I am working on. It's proved rather tricky to portray what I originaly set out to, that is, the many dimensions within which the mind functions. There aren't enough colors in the visual field! So I've settled on a rather intellectual interpretation of the theme.

There's so much more I'd like to put in, but at this point I wouldn't know how!

Yet I am happy with how it's turned out. It is a thought provoking piece, for anyone interested in the mind sciences.

And on that note I recommend an excellent lecture by Dr Alan Wallace , entiltled "Towards the first revolution in the mind sciences." He is a Buddhist monk who is 'seeking ways to integrate Buddhist contemplative practices and Western science to advance the study of the mind'.

Its a talk well worth watching.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=983112177262602885

x

They wear their past lives
like badges
keys to their culture
displayed with sleepy smiles
for visitors to coo over

-

that I would be good

I'm playing a song by Alanis Morissete as I write.

That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds

That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing

That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy

That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you

It makes me want to cry. I feel so much pressure from my own self expectations. Some where deep down I feel that there's something wrong with me. Somewhere deep down I am ashamed.

I've always had a sense of being different. My mom was gay at a time when it was the ultimate taboo. I grew up believing that my family would never find a place in society. I've also always worried about being flakey. Too many times people have looked at me skew and ignored my input. 'What a strange child!' they would say to eachother. And I would hear them. The things that I am passionate about are right on the peripheries of most people's conscious awareness. If I hadn't learnt all about being diplomatic I would surely offend people all over the place.

But in the end it's not about what eveyone else thinks of me. In the end I am the one telling myself that something is wrong. I feel the divine so strongly and yet I can't bring myself to embrace myself as divine too. I feel stuck in a strange no mans land. I am not driven by the passions of the world, yet I am here and I am functioning.

Why am I ashamed of who I am becoming? Why have I always felt like I need to apologise? When I was a kid and I had problems mixing with people my own age, my mom took me aside and told me that I have an IQ that tops the charts. She explained what 'genius' is, but she never said that it meant I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. The message that I got was that being a genius was as much a social stigma as being the child of a gay mother. Another thing to be ashamed of.

And even now as an adult, instead of being proud of my conceptual abilities, I find myself playing them down so that I don't stick out too much.

I am in a process of defining myself once again. I seem to go through this every few years. It's hard and it hurts. But at least I am aware. If I am aware I can observe. If I observe I can learn, if I learn I can understand. And if I understand I can let go....i think....

yay

Yay and blessings - I got the job :)! I started last Monday and I've been pretty busy adjusting. I'm really enjoying myself.

I will begin posting again once things settle down a bit...

till then
love to you all