that I would be good
I'm playing a song by Alanis Morissete as I write.
It makes me want to cry. I feel so much pressure from my own self expectations. Some where deep down I feel that there's something wrong with me. Somewhere deep down I am ashamed.
I've always had a sense of being different. My mom was gay at a time when it was the ultimate taboo. I grew up believing that my family would never find a place in society. I've also always worried about being flakey. Too many times people have looked at me skew and ignored my input. 'What a strange child!' they would say to eachother. And I would hear them. The things that I am passionate about are right on the peripheries of most people's conscious awareness. If I hadn't learnt all about being diplomatic I would surely offend people all over the place.
But in the end it's not about what eveyone else thinks of me. In the end I am the one telling myself that something is wrong. I feel the divine so strongly and yet I can't bring myself to embrace myself as divine too. I feel stuck in a strange no mans land. I am not driven by the passions of the world, yet I am here and I am functioning.
Why am I ashamed of who I am becoming? Why have I always felt like I need to apologise? When I was a kid and I had problems mixing with people my own age, my mom took me aside and told me that I have an IQ that tops the charts. She explained what 'genius' is, but she never said that it meant I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. The message that I got was that being a genius was as much a social stigma as being the child of a gay mother. Another thing to be ashamed of.
And even now as an adult, instead of being proud of my conceptual abilities, I find myself playing them down so that I don't stick out too much.
I am in a process of defining myself once again. I seem to go through this every few years. It's hard and it hurts. But at least I am aware. If I am aware I can observe. If I observe I can learn, if I learn I can understand. And if I understand I can let go....i think....
That I would be good even if I did nothing
That I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
That I would be good if I got and stayed sick
That I would be good even if I gained ten pounds
That I would be fine even even if I went bankrupt
That I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
That I would be great if I was no longer queen
That I would be grand if I was not all knowing
That I would be loved even when I numb myself
That I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
That I would be loved even when I was fuming
That I would be good even if I was clingy
That I would be good even if I lost sanity
That I would be good
Whether with or without you
It makes me want to cry. I feel so much pressure from my own self expectations. Some where deep down I feel that there's something wrong with me. Somewhere deep down I am ashamed.
I've always had a sense of being different. My mom was gay at a time when it was the ultimate taboo. I grew up believing that my family would never find a place in society. I've also always worried about being flakey. Too many times people have looked at me skew and ignored my input. 'What a strange child!' they would say to eachother. And I would hear them. The things that I am passionate about are right on the peripheries of most people's conscious awareness. If I hadn't learnt all about being diplomatic I would surely offend people all over the place.
But in the end it's not about what eveyone else thinks of me. In the end I am the one telling myself that something is wrong. I feel the divine so strongly and yet I can't bring myself to embrace myself as divine too. I feel stuck in a strange no mans land. I am not driven by the passions of the world, yet I am here and I am functioning.
Why am I ashamed of who I am becoming? Why have I always felt like I need to apologise? When I was a kid and I had problems mixing with people my own age, my mom took me aside and told me that I have an IQ that tops the charts. She explained what 'genius' is, but she never said that it meant I could accomplish anything I put my mind to. The message that I got was that being a genius was as much a social stigma as being the child of a gay mother. Another thing to be ashamed of.
And even now as an adult, instead of being proud of my conceptual abilities, I find myself playing them down so that I don't stick out too much.
I am in a process of defining myself once again. I seem to go through this every few years. It's hard and it hurts. But at least I am aware. If I am aware I can observe. If I observe I can learn, if I learn I can understand. And if I understand I can let go....i think....
posted by Gaelin at 10:54 AM
5 Comments:
I honestly think that people have always looked at me askew behind my back because they failed to understand what I was trying to tell them.
Gaelin, in my opinion, if I may say so, you shine in the most magnificent way. If that's not fitting it, then you should never fit in. I would hate for your glow to be dulled by conformity, for your light to be dimmed by the expectations of blind followers.
I think we all have our moments of being different, self conscious or whatever...its the thing that makes us allll human...but know that I think you are amazing, even if I haven't been around much lately...I am blessed to have met you, and hope we will be friends for years to come...and...congrats on your new job, I know you will SHINE...
Hugs and miss ya, girl
Kirsten
Helloooo I 've been locked out of blogger! It seems they've lost my email address or something, but the darn thing won't let me log in! Anyway, just want to thank you Jerry and also Kirsten for your lovely, uplifting messages.
I appreciate your friendship, and I thank you sincerely for your clear hearts.
yours truly
I am aspiring to live my life without any more labels.
Gaelin,
It sounds like you're coming into your own. I've similarly been experienced as different and generally been pushed to the periphery. I have discovered that I am gifted, talent and able to do what I put my mind to. I trust you will more and more live at peace in the reality of who you are.
Post a Comment
<< Home