Thursday, August 24, 2006

energy workings



This is a picture I drew of my back injury...it pretty much says it all. Most of the energy dynamics don't have words that correspond very well, so I'll just leave it at that :)

Sunday, August 20, 2006

laid low

I was doing yoga on Wednesday morning, a private lesson with a qualified instructor, and at the end of the session my back hurt a little. I figured it was general muscle fatigue. Didn't think much of it, carried on with my daily chores - went shopping, dropped off the recycling, picked up the kids, came home, sat down and WHAM - my entire back went into a hideous spasm. So bad that I couldn't even move. With the help of my daughter (wide and worried little 8 yr old eyes) I crawled to my bed, which is a futon on the floor so luckily there was no extra trauma involved in getting horizontal again.

And there I lay, in great pain, hoping that the spasm that was my back would relax already. It didn't. In fact it got worse. The muscle spasm started traveling up my spine and into my arms and legs. At that point I got really scared. My hands were spasming into these grotesque clawa, and I began to feel the circulation in my fingers cutting off. I got my daughter to phone my hubby at work, but it's over an hours drive away, so there was no immediate help there. And then I began to pray. I cried and I prayed and through sheer force of will I began manipulating my hands until they no longer were in spasm. I asked my daughter to sit and hold my feet, while I spoke some affirmations out loud - "I AM CAPABLE", "I AM ABLE", "I AM STRONG". SHe was a little freaked by the whole thing, but she stayed with me and that meant the world to me.

Once the initial spasm had passed, my back burned and ached like hell, but unless I moved I was spasm free. At that point I was seriously worried about structural damage, and the possability of potential paralysis. It was so sore that even the worst outcomes seemed possible.

My husband got home soon after that, and by then I was feeling a lot calmer. He wanted to take me straight to the hospital, but we are not on medical aid, and it's not like I could get up and walk to the car or anything, so I convinced him to pump me full of painkillers and wait till the morning.

He fell asleep quite quickly (he works hard, commutes insane distances, and sleeps like a log when he has the chance.) but there was no way I could sleep while in so much pain, and the aspirins hadn't made any difference. What I found strange was that I had to consciously focus on relaxing and breathing, and if I didn't I would begin to spasm again. All those 'what if' worst scenario thoughts played havoc with my back. At about 2 in the morning I cuoldn't stand it anymored. I phoned the hospital, told them I had no medical aid, and asked them what they thought would be best. They gave me the number of an emergency ambulance service, run by a non-profit organization. Thank the gods. The ambulance arrived just after 4am, two big men strapped me to one of those back injury boards, and I was driven off with much flashing lights and fanfare.

At the hospital I was taken into the casualty wing and left on a stretcher in the corridor. The nurse told me that the x-ray room only opened at 8am (it was 6:30) and told me i would just have to be patient. They also gave me a voltarin injection, which unfortunatly made no difference whatsoever.

I overheard the nurse giving a run down of the casualty patients to the doctor who arrived shortly after. It went something like this "That guy has multiple stab wounds, that woman drank parafin and needs her stomach pumped, and this girl did yoga..." Would have been funny if I had been able to laugh.

To cut a very long story short, they eventually did x-rays and there is no sructural bone damage. They pumped me FULL of valium and antispasmodics, sent me home, and instructed me to lie flat on my back until my muscles heal, which may take up to three weeks!!

This is a huge lesson in patience for me. I'm Miss Capable for goodness sake. And now I cant even go pee without someone to help me get there.

Ah well, all those very improtant emotional issues that I've managed to skirt around now have all the time in the world to come into the open. So in that way it's a good thing. I guess...

Another interesting observation is the form that my prayers took while I was lying in bed, terrified. It occured to me to ask God to spare me. Then I realized that in all honesty there's no way in the world that I can fathom the will of the Creator. What if Gods will was for me to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life? What if my destiny is in my own hands, not the hands of the great pumpkin in the sky? Surely ego-centric prayers are just that - ego centric. So this was my prayer, and I repeated it until my body started to relax and the smasms eased off -SPIRIT GUIDE ME.

What else is there to say?

I do believe in Spirit (Christains call it the Holy Gohst, Kabballists call it Sophia /wisdom, pagans call it the goddess and her minions. I don't think Buddhists call it anything, but I may be wrong.)

But what I do know is that the same life that gives me sentience, also gives you sentience. That same life inspires the atoms to knit together into elements, empowers life to spring forth out of the void. And this I attribute to the ultimate enigma and most intimate companion. Spirit.

Blessed be (In Darkness, in Light, and Beyond)

Monday, August 07, 2006

Judge a moth by the beauty of its candle

The header is a quote from Rumi, an incredible man who lived in 1200 (13th century?). He was a Sufi poet and visionary, and he's as close to zen mind as it gets...

When the moth is consumed by the candle and they merge completely, then zen mind is achieved. But till then it circles (as we all do). Any place from which words come is a place of circling...

Another beautiful quote from Rumi

This we have now
is not imagination.

This is not
grief or joy.

Not a judging state
or an elation,
or a sadness.

Those come
and go.

This is the presense
that doesn't.



translated from the original (Persian?) by Coleman Barks

Thursday, August 03, 2006

home sweet home

Following on from Justin's example, I've decided to post pictures of the area where I live. I love the idea of catching a glimpse of the real life that fuels the blogsphere...
Hope you'll post yours soon too :)





Our village as seen from the beach ;)







Our house from the outside (yeah, you can't see much...that's my old Ford Meteor parked outside...)




View from our front door...



Our back door opens onto a balcony (we call it 'the deck' :)



And just down the road we have the beautiful Scarborough beach...


One of our regular baboon visitors. He was kicked out of the local troup, and now roams the neighbourhood, ransacking dustbins. Quite alright as long as he doessn't get into the house (which he does, regularly) Sometimes a whole posse of them come down from the mountain and sit on our roof, they like to forage in our fruit trees, and steal from our kitchens...

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

rama's poem

written 1996


Through your appearance friend, I learnt to recognise myself,
Your inward is in my outward, I am the inward in your outward.
If I am ever right, that is only because of you
And mine the evil that poisons you.
You are only a figment of my imagination,
While I know myself only through your blessing.
My place is at your feet, by your side, and in your embrace
May you be the body through which I realise myself.
Through failure and betrayal, I struggle to uphold your love and compassion,
Disconsolate shame my constant reward.
The world is my mirror, I look and see myself;
May I be able to be yours, and help you to see yourself.
In gratitude for your kindness, through which I am,
May I be able to help you know who you are.

This poem was taken with permission from Rama's blog. He writes from Calcutta, India, sharing his thoughts and observations with the true spirit of the Tamil.

This poem speaks to me of the great truth that we all know but few realize. 'I am in you, just as you are in me.'

Namaste