laid low
I was doing yoga on Wednesday morning, a private lesson with a qualified instructor, and at the end of the session my back hurt a little. I figured it was general muscle fatigue. Didn't think much of it, carried on with my daily chores - went shopping, dropped off the recycling, picked up the kids, came home, sat down and WHAM - my entire back went into a hideous spasm. So bad that I couldn't even move. With the help of my daughter (wide and worried little 8 yr old eyes) I crawled to my bed, which is a futon on the floor so luckily there was no extra trauma involved in getting horizontal again.
And there I lay, in great pain, hoping that the spasm that was my back would relax already. It didn't. In fact it got worse. The muscle spasm started traveling up my spine and into my arms and legs. At that point I got really scared. My hands were spasming into these grotesque clawa, and I began to feel the circulation in my fingers cutting off. I got my daughter to phone my hubby at work, but it's over an hours drive away, so there was no immediate help there. And then I began to pray. I cried and I prayed and through sheer force of will I began manipulating my hands until they no longer were in spasm. I asked my daughter to sit and hold my feet, while I spoke some affirmations out loud - "I AM CAPABLE", "I AM ABLE", "I AM STRONG". SHe was a little freaked by the whole thing, but she stayed with me and that meant the world to me.
Once the initial spasm had passed, my back burned and ached like hell, but unless I moved I was spasm free. At that point I was seriously worried about structural damage, and the possability of potential paralysis. It was so sore that even the worst outcomes seemed possible.
My husband got home soon after that, and by then I was feeling a lot calmer. He wanted to take me straight to the hospital, but we are not on medical aid, and it's not like I could get up and walk to the car or anything, so I convinced him to pump me full of painkillers and wait till the morning.
He fell asleep quite quickly (he works hard, commutes insane distances, and sleeps like a log when he has the chance.) but there was no way I could sleep while in so much pain, and the aspirins hadn't made any difference. What I found strange was that I had to consciously focus on relaxing and breathing, and if I didn't I would begin to spasm again. All those 'what if' worst scenario thoughts played havoc with my back. At about 2 in the morning I cuoldn't stand it anymored. I phoned the hospital, told them I had no medical aid, and asked them what they thought would be best. They gave me the number of an emergency ambulance service, run by a non-profit organization. Thank the gods. The ambulance arrived just after 4am, two big men strapped me to one of those back injury boards, and I was driven off with much flashing lights and fanfare.
At the hospital I was taken into the casualty wing and left on a stretcher in the corridor. The nurse told me that the x-ray room only opened at 8am (it was 6:30) and told me i would just have to be patient. They also gave me a voltarin injection, which unfortunatly made no difference whatsoever.
I overheard the nurse giving a run down of the casualty patients to the doctor who arrived shortly after. It went something like this "That guy has multiple stab wounds, that woman drank parafin and needs her stomach pumped, and this girl did yoga..." Would have been funny if I had been able to laugh.
To cut a very long story short, they eventually did x-rays and there is no sructural bone damage. They pumped me FULL of valium and antispasmodics, sent me home, and instructed me to lie flat on my back until my muscles heal, which may take up to three weeks!!
This is a huge lesson in patience for me. I'm Miss Capable for goodness sake. And now I cant even go pee without someone to help me get there.
Ah well, all those very improtant emotional issues that I've managed to skirt around now have all the time in the world to come into the open. So in that way it's a good thing. I guess...
Another interesting observation is the form that my prayers took while I was lying in bed, terrified. It occured to me to ask God to spare me. Then I realized that in all honesty there's no way in the world that I can fathom the will of the Creator. What if Gods will was for me to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life? What if my destiny is in my own hands, not the hands of the great pumpkin in the sky? Surely ego-centric prayers are just that - ego centric. So this was my prayer, and I repeated it until my body started to relax and the smasms eased off -SPIRIT GUIDE ME.
What else is there to say?
I do believe in Spirit (Christains call it the Holy Gohst, Kabballists call it Sophia /wisdom, pagans call it the goddess and her minions. I don't think Buddhists call it anything, but I may be wrong.)
But what I do know is that the same life that gives me sentience, also gives you sentience. That same life inspires the atoms to knit together into elements, empowers life to spring forth out of the void. And this I attribute to the ultimate enigma and most intimate companion. Spirit.
Blessed be (In Darkness, in Light, and Beyond)
And there I lay, in great pain, hoping that the spasm that was my back would relax already. It didn't. In fact it got worse. The muscle spasm started traveling up my spine and into my arms and legs. At that point I got really scared. My hands were spasming into these grotesque clawa, and I began to feel the circulation in my fingers cutting off. I got my daughter to phone my hubby at work, but it's over an hours drive away, so there was no immediate help there. And then I began to pray. I cried and I prayed and through sheer force of will I began manipulating my hands until they no longer were in spasm. I asked my daughter to sit and hold my feet, while I spoke some affirmations out loud - "I AM CAPABLE", "I AM ABLE", "I AM STRONG". SHe was a little freaked by the whole thing, but she stayed with me and that meant the world to me.
Once the initial spasm had passed, my back burned and ached like hell, but unless I moved I was spasm free. At that point I was seriously worried about structural damage, and the possability of potential paralysis. It was so sore that even the worst outcomes seemed possible.
My husband got home soon after that, and by then I was feeling a lot calmer. He wanted to take me straight to the hospital, but we are not on medical aid, and it's not like I could get up and walk to the car or anything, so I convinced him to pump me full of painkillers and wait till the morning.
He fell asleep quite quickly (he works hard, commutes insane distances, and sleeps like a log when he has the chance.) but there was no way I could sleep while in so much pain, and the aspirins hadn't made any difference. What I found strange was that I had to consciously focus on relaxing and breathing, and if I didn't I would begin to spasm again. All those 'what if' worst scenario thoughts played havoc with my back. At about 2 in the morning I cuoldn't stand it anymored. I phoned the hospital, told them I had no medical aid, and asked them what they thought would be best. They gave me the number of an emergency ambulance service, run by a non-profit organization. Thank the gods. The ambulance arrived just after 4am, two big men strapped me to one of those back injury boards, and I was driven off with much flashing lights and fanfare.
At the hospital I was taken into the casualty wing and left on a stretcher in the corridor. The nurse told me that the x-ray room only opened at 8am (it was 6:30) and told me i would just have to be patient. They also gave me a voltarin injection, which unfortunatly made no difference whatsoever.
I overheard the nurse giving a run down of the casualty patients to the doctor who arrived shortly after. It went something like this "That guy has multiple stab wounds, that woman drank parafin and needs her stomach pumped, and this girl did yoga..." Would have been funny if I had been able to laugh.
To cut a very long story short, they eventually did x-rays and there is no sructural bone damage. They pumped me FULL of valium and antispasmodics, sent me home, and instructed me to lie flat on my back until my muscles heal, which may take up to three weeks!!
This is a huge lesson in patience for me. I'm Miss Capable for goodness sake. And now I cant even go pee without someone to help me get there.
Ah well, all those very improtant emotional issues that I've managed to skirt around now have all the time in the world to come into the open. So in that way it's a good thing. I guess...
Another interesting observation is the form that my prayers took while I was lying in bed, terrified. It occured to me to ask God to spare me. Then I realized that in all honesty there's no way in the world that I can fathom the will of the Creator. What if Gods will was for me to be in a wheelchair for the rest of my life? What if my destiny is in my own hands, not the hands of the great pumpkin in the sky? Surely ego-centric prayers are just that - ego centric. So this was my prayer, and I repeated it until my body started to relax and the smasms eased off -SPIRIT GUIDE ME.
What else is there to say?
I do believe in Spirit (Christains call it the Holy Gohst, Kabballists call it Sophia /wisdom, pagans call it the goddess and her minions. I don't think Buddhists call it anything, but I may be wrong.)
But what I do know is that the same life that gives me sentience, also gives you sentience. That same life inspires the atoms to knit together into elements, empowers life to spring forth out of the void. And this I attribute to the ultimate enigma and most intimate companion. Spirit.
Blessed be (In Darkness, in Light, and Beyond)
posted by Gaelin at 11:46 AM
6 Comments:
You will be back on your feet very soon, but you should also use the rest and inner unravelling opportunity. And you would have learnt much about your own body through this experience. Best, rama
Thanks rama. This whole experience has given me a lot of time to think, and has defiantly put me back in touch with my body! Thank you for your thoughts. Lots of love.
Hi Gaelin, delighted to hear from you. I think some self-renewal (body-mind) was definitely long due, and hence this crashing message from your body. Muscular stiffness, blockages and stiffnesses in the nervous system, inner "undigested karma"(!) etc etc. So now you can attend to these purposefully. With painkillers and muscle relaxants the immediate problem will go. Sessions of deep massage will help. And of course, ultimately, the only "medicine" is LOVE (as the Beatles sang, "All you need is love")!
Gaelin~
I'm so sorry that this happened to you. Please keep us informed as to your recovery - I will follow your news closely.
We have a best and a worst here, don't we? We should take the best and embrace it, be thankful for it. And we should take the worst and find a way to lessen it.
The best is your daughter and your husband, who provided support automatically. I'll bet that, with your little one, there was never a second's question about whether to help in any way poossible. She was there, and that was that.
The worst is the fear. I uderstand this because believe it or not it's happened to me as well, only less intense than your experience. I'd never heard of it before, so I was afraid. Maybe if we can somehow make it more well known, raise its visibility, something like that, the next person won't be so afraid.
Even the fear, though, is less powerful than the knowledge that your loved ones are there with you - sometimes tribe is everything.
I hope your feeling better soon girl..I really do....take care and rest
Kirsten
Kirsten- thanks girlfriend :) nice to have your well wishes speeding on my recovery...
Scruff- you're right that fear really is the worst aspect of this kind of injury. Muscle spasms are terribly sore and wholy unexpected...altho after googling it I've discovered that they are pretty common. And yes, tribe, love, family is everything. I've reconnected with my husband over the last few days in a way that would not have been possible if I was still rushing around! And my daughter was initiated into the more hectic side of family care. She's strong, and she has grown from it.
Rama- it always amazes me that mind and body are one system. Growing up in 'the west' we are taught that they are seperate...I have had time to integrate, reconfigure, and renew myself. Thanks for your insights.
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