bang
It's been two years now since my head popped. Nothing up until that moment had prepared me for it.
I was sitting, staring at a wall. It was late afternoon, and it was near the end of our meditation session at the local zendo. 10 minutes chanting, 20 minutes sitting, 5 minutes walking, another 20 minutes sitting and then...
my mind had been in turmoil during the time I had been there. I breathed deeply, counting each breath to remain focused while the flow of thoughts swirled. Eventually I reached a point where I was no longer aware of my body, having plugged into that wonderful zen space where outside conditions begin to lack their validity. The inside of my head felt huge, the thoughts taking up all the space, and stretching the limits. It almost felt like my head was a balloon expanding under the pressure.
I kept breathing, breathing, riding with the feeling, allowing the thoughts to stretch wider and wider until...POP! The boundaries of my mental space winked out of existance. All of a sudden there was absolutely no distinction between outside and inside, it was all one seemless whole. Tears started pouring down my cheeks as I sat keeping my breath steady, literally blown away by the awesome nature of reality. There was no 'me' and there was no other. It was all suchness and it was experiential suchness, not some conceptual construct.
Since then that mental space has never quite abated. Even in the thrall of a heated argument there is a part of me which experiences the suchness and observes without attachment. This has been a great blessing in attaining emotional equilibrium, yet it also complicated things somewhat. Up until that moment I had been a Christian practising Zazen. After my head popped there was no one left to pray to! There was no outside presence to appeal to for help! And no inside 'me' to do the appealing!
I came to realized with a great deal of shock to the system that I was essentially responsable for my being. The implications were vast.
x
I was sitting, staring at a wall. It was late afternoon, and it was near the end of our meditation session at the local zendo. 10 minutes chanting, 20 minutes sitting, 5 minutes walking, another 20 minutes sitting and then...
my mind had been in turmoil during the time I had been there. I breathed deeply, counting each breath to remain focused while the flow of thoughts swirled. Eventually I reached a point where I was no longer aware of my body, having plugged into that wonderful zen space where outside conditions begin to lack their validity. The inside of my head felt huge, the thoughts taking up all the space, and stretching the limits. It almost felt like my head was a balloon expanding under the pressure.
I kept breathing, breathing, riding with the feeling, allowing the thoughts to stretch wider and wider until...POP! The boundaries of my mental space winked out of existance. All of a sudden there was absolutely no distinction between outside and inside, it was all one seemless whole. Tears started pouring down my cheeks as I sat keeping my breath steady, literally blown away by the awesome nature of reality. There was no 'me' and there was no other. It was all suchness and it was experiential suchness, not some conceptual construct.
Since then that mental space has never quite abated. Even in the thrall of a heated argument there is a part of me which experiences the suchness and observes without attachment. This has been a great blessing in attaining emotional equilibrium, yet it also complicated things somewhat. Up until that moment I had been a Christian practising Zazen. After my head popped there was no one left to pray to! There was no outside presence to appeal to for help! And no inside 'me' to do the appealing!
I came to realized with a great deal of shock to the system that I was essentially responsable for my being. The implications were vast.
x
posted by Gaelin at 9:06 PM
4 Comments:
Many many congratulations dear!
I'm back to blog-reading after a spell of travel. Best, rama
Bright Shining Gaelin~
Bodhidarma once remarked that once it had happened to him, he couldn't stop meditating. Even when he was asleep, or in the act of walking or eating, he was in meditation. He was in that same space that you're talking about, I think.
~Jerry
Welcome back rama! Good to know that your journey was successful :)
Is it strange to watch the children of the West discover the dharma?
Hullo!
Dharma IS. It is not an attribute or possession of east or west.
Hence when the Buddha began his teaching after attaining enlightenment, this is referred to as "re-turning the wheel of Dharma."
Look forward to hearing about your new job!
Best
rama
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