A couple of years back I was in a very abusive relationship. I don't usually speak about it. It's been four years now and I'm only beginning to feel ready to share my experience. I don't feel so ashamed anymore. In fact, I've just finished reading through my 2004 personal diary, and I am amazed how far I've come in terms of self healing. I'm closer to happy now than I have ever been. There are moments when I feel a sublime and beautiful kind of peace.
One of my entries back then took the form of a poem, a litany, it was an attempt to get all my left over self-incrimination into the light. I want it here in my blog, because there's a one in a million chance that someone stuck in a harmful relationship will stumble upon this entry, and maybe it help.
One of my entries back then took the form of a poem, a litany, it was an attempt to get all my left over self-incrimination into the light. I want it here in my blog, because there's a one in a million chance that someone stuck in a harmful relationship will stumble upon this entry, and maybe it help.
Why didn't I?Somehow, writing all that down in my diary helped me to get some perspective, and to begin to forgive myself for what I allowed to happen. It was sad and rather ugly, but I have two beautiful children to show for it, and a personal reservoir of strength that will see me through anything.
Why did I not walk away the first time he intentionally hurt me?
Why did I excuse him?
Why did I feel guilt?
Why didn't I tell people?
Why did I cover for him?
Why did I hate myself?
Why didn't I leave when the babe was in my stomach?
Why didn't I leave when he broke me down?
Why didn't I scream louder?
Why did I accept the pain?
Why did I not run and run and fucking run?
Why did I forgive him over and over?
Why did I think so little of myself?
Why did I let him own me?
Why did he hurt me?
Why did he hate me?
Why didn't I leave before I gave him everything?
posted by Gaelin at 1:12 PM
7 Comments:
And a man now that can see you for who you really are...and a wonderful new home...and...and...and...
Are you happy?
It never ceases to amaze me who good with words you are...You are an inspiration, not so much with the words, but how you have made it thru that pain to move on and be happy with your life....God bless you gaelin...I am so happy to have met you, and found your words...they, and you...well...thank you...lol...
:)Just me
Thank you, both of you. It's strange but sometimes it's easier to talk to people who are thousands of miles away. Almost like a safety buffer. Steve, I think I'm starting to understand the dynamics of happiness, in a way that turns it from a fleeting ideal to a solid reality. And Kirsten... you are sweet and kind and I'm thankful for your comments. life is good. Blessings :)
Happiness is enjoying what is right in front of your eyes. For that reason, it can be fleeting. But love is about seeing more than what meets the eyes.
btw...that one poem, I took it off my website because I didn't want to confuse anyone...I had a link attached to the name of the poem at the top that showed the website you could go to that would take your words and create a poem instantly! So, no...I never wrote it...but I liked it!...which is why I "published" it. Sorry about the confusion, hon.
Pity you took the poem off, it was kinda interesting :) But it was also confusing (to me at least) so I understand :)
If you would like it back on...I will repost it...just as long as you know that I didn't really write it, then we can both enjoy it again.
Put it back!
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