Lyrics

These are the lyrics for a song I wrote a year or two ago, when I moved back to the city. I think they describe the state of the world quite accurately.


Terrible things
are going to happen to you
if you try think for yourself.
Don't you know dragons wait to
ravage your mind
and leave you naked and blind
in an uncertain world?

And while the scientists say they can organise
the world we see,
the religious folks grapple with the fear of things
they think they have to believe.

And if you just want to know,
without a doubt in your mind,
what on earth we're all doing here?
In this particular place, and this particular time
what is this mind
that we were born to recieve?
-almost supernaturally.
And who are we to believe
in our connection to divinity?

The sons and daughters of Man
Natures' wonderchild stands up tall.


I can't believe that Google has agreed to censor results in China. The Chinese government now has the ideal propaganda platform. Take a look at DeMonet's post for a very revealing comparison.

art again : )

These are two pieces that I'm working on at the moment. The first one is shot in black and white because I'm not happy with the colours I've used, I've still got a fair bit of work left, but I think I know where it's going.

The one below is nothing like what I've done before. I took apart an ancient Apple Mac, and this is the first of the pictures to emerge :) It's also not finished, I'm hoping to make it a little more complex, so that the circuit board will merge more gracefully with its surroundings.

This piece has been a challenge for me. I'm so used to working with analogies in my art, so that each picture is a story. This time the idea is to not include any intellectual imagagery, to use only line and space to create the story. As you can see I did end up including a few conceptual images, but essentially the picture won't embody a concept as much as a biological process.

I'm really going to enjoy playing with the other bits. The inside of a Mac is like a work of art itself. Everything slots together so elegantly, nothing like the inside of a PC.

satori

I'm 27 years old, so it's not surprising that I'm still confused about a number of things. Con-fused, a lot of different notions of mine are con-fused.

Self-worth is really difficult for me to evaluate. I always have the 'should' imperative in the back of my mind. I 'should' be doing more with my time, I should clean the house better, I 'should' make more money, I 'should' be thinner, I 'should' be nicer. I find it so difficult to reach that space in my head where I am free of this imperative.

I think that's why I smoke grass, because it helps me to let go all the obligations that I feel towards the rest of the world, and even towards myself. But then I am largely ineffective.

I feel stuck at the moment. I want to go forward, but I also want to stand still. I want to grow in my spiritual practice, but I also want the instant highs of playing with maya. I love to sit zazen, but to get my ass on a cushion is almost impossible. It's like I am working against my self. This is what's so confusing. How can I want one thing, and do something else? Who is this that wants and doesn't want and con-fuses?

I need to sit. I need to sit and sit and sit until I am completely quite, and then the bubble pops and there is no 'I'. Then 'I' am everything, EVERYTHING.

Until I think a thought, the one where I comment to myself how cool it is to be feeling something so incredible. Then the mind is back in action and I'm holding a conversation with myself and I am me again.

The first time I experienced 'satori' or 'awakening' I just cried and cried and cried. I was in a small zendo, and there were only a handful of us sitting.

Since then it' s almost like I'm avoiding sitting.

What am I afraid of?
I think I'm afraid of never experiencing satori again, and having to accept that it was all just a bad joke.

That's how I feel about Christianity. I am still so sore about the way Christianity turned out to not have the answers for me. I put so much of myself into loving God and being good. I think I'm afraid to move forward with my zazen practice, cos I'm afraid of feeling spiritually established again. But on the other hand, beginners' mind is good. The 'I don't know what i thought I knew' mind is open to growth and expansion.

I don't know!

Such a beautiful photo... Taken from a site called Martha's Girls.com
(Sounds a bit like an old time 'madam'!) It's really closer to art than porn, in my opinion.

We have such sexual hang-ups in this culture. Christianity has a lot to answer for..
I'm all for celebrating the beauty of the human form, and even celebrating the passion of the sexual imperative.

Life is too short to pretend.

Observe

This painting is called 'Observe'. It's one of my favourites.

Bodhisattva

When I first discovered Buddhism, I was still carrying a whole lot of baggage from my days as a Christian. Part of me believed that to be a good person, I had to save the world. (Follow in Jesus's footsteps...) This impulse validated me. I felt that taking on the responsability for the entire world's sufferings gave me a good excuse to be on this planet. It bolstered my rather eroded self-esteem.

I came across the 'Bodhisattva' concept. In my mind this was the Buddhist equivelant of Christ. A bohdisattva is someone who has attained enlightenment but chooses not to leave the cycle of life and death, rather to stay in this world for the sake of liberating others. I wrote a song expressing this ideal.

After my first (and so far only) satori experience, I began to revise these expectations of myself. In truth I cannot save a single soul, not even my own. This need to save myself and others is just another form of grasping, and a therefore a cause of suffering. I'm not saying that the dharma doesn't liberate, or that people in service to the dharma aren't doing the right thing. What I'm saying is that my attachment to the concept of being a Bohdisattva was just one more thing that I had to let go of in my continued growth into enlightenment.

I still enjoy the song though, it was recorded with a whole lot of feeling...

Bodhisattva

I would bleed for you
I’d live and breathe for you
And I would live a million lives on earth because you are here
And I would hold on to death and rebirth here beside you

I would bleed for you
I’d beg and plead for you
And I would look upon closed eyes and know that we all can see
And I would speak to deafened ears ‘cos somewhere you’re listening

I would bleed for you
I’m on my knees for you
And I would defy the known ways of humanity for you
And I would deny nothing, even when I’m found guilty

And I would…

Couldn't resist posting this one!

heart sutra

When I was 15 I started to perceive the energy fields of living things, and even the presence of the energy within rocks and water and the other elements. Up until that point I had been a deeply religious Christian. The concept of God was very precious to me. My new perceptions raised very scary questions. Was I possessed? Was I sensing something evil or good? At that stage the New Age had not yet taken hold in my neck of the woods, so I had nothing to compare my experiences to.

I spoke to the youth pastor at my church, and I was told to forget the whole thing, and not tell anyone else in our fellowship. As you can imagine, this didn't help at all, and after much soul searching I decided to leave the church and do some exploring. What followed was a few years of consciousness expansion with the aid of plants, but oft times these left me with more questions than answers.

Then I met a man who practised Zen Buddhism, and he challenged me like nothing I had ever encountered before. Every one of my assumptions about reality popped like bubbles. We spent a year together on a little farm far away from everything. During that time I came to understand the idea that reality is Maya, an illusion. For those of you who haven't encountered this concept before, it is hard to swallow. At first I used every logical arguement at my disposal to try and keep my view of a intrinsic reality intact.

Eventually I realised that even science upholds the idea that reality is really just made of energy, and our perceptions of it. I began to sit zazen, and for the first time since I left the church i began to experience the kind of relief that the concept of God used to provide. Only this time I wasn't looking to some outside entity to carry me, i was instead letting my self go.

One of the principal tennets of the Buddhist practice is the Heart Sutra. I have put it to music because it is beautiful.The heart sutra. (right-click here and 'save as' to download) Prajna Paramita Hrydaya Sutra Here is a link to the words

my music

This is one of my demo recordings...It's called 'Let it rain'.
I finally worked out how to host mp3's on my blog, so after much sweat and tears I present you with a very rough and highly unproffesional glimpse at my musical aspirations. It was recorded last year in my bedroom, while I was familiarising myself with some music software (cubase). It's not the most uplifting piece ever, in fact it may be construed as downright depressing, but to me it was therapy.

Lyrics:

Take these pieces of my broken heart,
promise me that I'll be whole again.
I think my daddy doesn't love me enough,
and I've played virgin for too many men.

Let it rain, let it pour, let your glory down on me
Tell me when it's safe to open my eyes.
Let it rain, let it pour, let your glory down on me
I want to wash away this whole disguise.

This was made using a photoshopped image from one of my paintings, and a photo of my hands. I haven't made much digital art, and i like the mix of mediums.

She approaches... shadowed by a larger self. The entrance, hands locked. Her humility is a complex key. She stands still, head bowed. The time has come.

I borrowed this image from someone elses blog, hope she doesn't mind. I think it's great! Sometimes we gotta just pull a determined zap at the things that bother us. It's a way to remember not to take life's stresses too seriously. Of course one has to be feeling pretty secure in order to be so flamboyant, but every now and then? What the hell...



I've started another painting, this one I'm going to try sell. Time to start making some money out of my talents, forging a career for myself :) Up until now life has been about survival, doing any paying job that provides for the kids and allows for a little stability. Now, finally, I have the chance to explore the things that i enjoy, and try my hand at turning them into some cash. I've always thought that I don't deserve to get money for making art, but these days I'm beginning to reverse my assumptions. Why should I not make a living from something that I like doing? There are no rules saying that you gotta hate your job. And if I spend 6 weeks on a painting, then it is within my rights to charge someone a months' salary for that painting. These are novel concepts for me...

This year is going to be fun.

A couple of years back I was in a very abusive relationship. I don't usually speak about it. It's been four years now and I'm only beginning to feel ready to share my experience. I don't feel so ashamed anymore. In fact, I've just finished reading through my 2004 personal diary, and I am amazed how far I've come in terms of self healing. I'm closer to happy now than I have ever been. There are moments when I feel a sublime and beautiful kind of peace.

One of my entries back then took the form of a poem, a litany, it was an attempt to get all my left over self-incrimination into the light. I want it here in my blog, because there's a one in a million chance that someone stuck in a harmful relationship will stumble upon this entry, and maybe it help.

Why didn't I?
Why did I not walk away the first time he intentionally hurt me?
Why did I excuse him?
Why did I feel guilt?
Why didn't I tell people?
Why did I cover for him?
Why did I hate myself?
Why didn't I leave when the babe was in my stomach?
Why didn't I leave when he broke me down?
Why didn't I scream louder?
Why did I accept the pain?
Why did I not run and run and fucking run?
Why did I forgive him over and over?
Why did I think so little of myself?
Why did I let him own me?
Why did he hurt me?
Why did he hate me?
Why didn't I leave before I gave him everything?

Somehow, writing all that down in my diary helped me to get some perspective, and to begin to forgive myself for what I allowed to happen. It was sad and rather ugly, but I have two beautiful children to show for it, and a personal reservoir of strength that will see me through anything.

We made it! happy new year to all and blessings all round. The pic with the view is from our new balcony, and obviously the one with all the boxes is the old house. Ant packing up his study...We spent the last two days unpacking and arranging. It's so beautiful here :) Last night we opened a bottle of bubbly, and bought out the guitar and the didgeridoo...we didn't make it up till twelve, but waking this morning in our new place and welcoming in the new year was all that we needed to complete our celebrations. I hope this year allows for the goodness that is in all of us to shine and make the world happier. Love and light...